BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for short, or otherwise known as 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder') is a serious mental illness that creates difficulties with:

- Regulating/understanding emotions, People with BPD can often struggle with anger issues or uncomfortable levels of distress. Difficulty with regulating emotions is one of the main symptoms of BPD; it's difficult for us to interpret others' emotions, & mixed with paranoid tendencies we often tend to jump to the very worst possible conclusion in an instant. I do feel emotions such as happy, sad, angry, but I interpret them in a completely different way from someone without BPD (& all BPD patients vary, though common ground is often found very quickly).

- Feeling comfortable/secure within ourselves. It is very common for patients with BPD to feel insecure or paranoid. When I spiral into a meltdown I get paranoid that my friends are against me, my family are better off without me & that the world would generally just be a much better place if I were to cease my existence. I also struggle daily with my appearance. When I look in the mirror, the image is often askew or fat, which makes me feel so ugly and ashamed. When I'm like that, it doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm 'beautiful' or any other form of flattery. It falls on deaf, angry ears. Although one thing I will note, and I an only speak for myself of course, is that when I feel particularly ugly I spend a lot of time on social media; posting selfies from better, happier days & getting a small release of endorphins when I see said selfie accumulate likes.

- Communicating/relating to or with other people. I struggle with communication, not because I'm not articulate, but because I cannot regulate my emotions as previously mentioned. I tend to be very manic (very upbeat & hyper, talking at 100 miles an hour) which most people find ex so it's a trial to find a wavelength to share with others. I also misinterpret tones/attitudes very easily - although I'm still convinced that's my strong gut instinct, therapists tell me otherwise so we'll see - so needless to say, I can often end up in a bit of a pickle when I'm speaking to others.

The 9 symptoms of BPD

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one getting home late from work, forgetting to reply to a message or going away for the weekend can trigger intense fear that we are going to be left alone. This leads to frantic efforts to keep the other person close. We beg, cling, start fights, jealously track our loved one’s movements, or even physically block the other person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away. It really is a catch 22.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. This can be with partners, friends & work places. You may become attached, almost infatuated, quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be left disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. There are no grey areas. Your lovers, friends or family members may often feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate, I know that my mum certainly does.

3. Unclear or unstable self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable as I mentioned before. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself & can even view yourself as evil or demonic. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result of this uncertainty within yourself, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

5. Self-harm. Suicidal behaviour and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. I'm a very suicidal person, with it always being in the back of my mind daily. Self harm includes all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning. I'm known to cut & bite my arms, pull my hair and smash my head against walls when I'm in an episode.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions/moods are common with BPD patients. One minute you feel happy and the next you're completely despondent. Little, minor things that other people brush off easily can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours. I was treated for bipolar for 2 years with SSRIs before a psychiatrist assessed me & diagnosed BPD; the length of the mood swings is very important.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside of us. At the extreme we feel as if we are “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so we try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex, but nothing feels truly satisfying because the void is always there.

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper (I know I certainly do). You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself, which can lead back to self harm or suicidal behaviour.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body. This happens to me quite regularly.

To get a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, you must meet all 9 criteria. I sat for two hours with a psychiatrist in order to receive my diagnosis.

There's just so much drama, all the time, happening in a BPD brain & researchers are still trying to make sense of what it all means. In essence, if you have BPD, your brain is on high alert. Things feel more scary, stressful & confusing to you than they do to other people. Your fight-or-flight switch is easily tripped & once it’s on it hijacks your rational brain, triggering primitive survival instincts that aren’t always appropriate to the situation at hand. It's not uncommon for me to completely flip out at something/someone for seemingly no reason at all, but because one little thing has upset me it snowballs into a reaction that just isn't appropriate in public. Sadly, it's very easy to put these symptoms down to just bad behaviour, but this isn't the case at all.

At the moment there is no 'cure' for BPD, probably because of how little is actually known about the disorder, but there is a mindfulness programme designed specifically for the treatment of BPD patients called Dialectal Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is a step up from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). I'm currently on the waiting list for DBT, but have been told it could be as late as next September before I'm actually part of the programme due to such long NHS waiting lists.

Do you have any more questions about BPD that you would like me to answer or cover with a blog post? Let me know by commenting below or getting in touch with me via Twitter: https://twitter.com/MsWRabbit - I'm always keen to hear what you guys are interested in!

Thanks a bunch,

Jade.