Sometimes, I Am Wrong. (Only Sometimes)

A huge part of mental recovery, for me, is accepting my flaws; coming to terms with all the bad bits that add up to make me who I am as a person. It's foolish to believe you can erase your flaws. You can work on them, but you can't wish them away or snap your fingers for an immediate result. I can be very manipulative. I can be very selfish. I can be very stubborn, very arrogant, very aggressive.

My ratio is a little off. I have more bad than good I think, but I really am working hard on getting better. I'm currently on a cocktail of 6 medications to try to stabilise my mindset. Things have been pretty fucking bad recently but nobody has had a clue because I am a mastermind at deciding what I want people to know. I act as though I'm okay because I want to be okay. My friends, family, colleagues & fellow bus commuters want me to be okay, and I want so much the same thing, so I act it... & the performance leaves me exhausted to a level you wouldn't understand. I realise now that I have made a mistake, I am wrong.

It's damaging to act okay when you aren't,

and it's damaging to say that to someone who isn't okay.

When I'm 'not okay' I am a completely different person. I'm not Jade anymore.

I lash out, mostly at myself but also at others. I bite my arms. I cut my arms (leaving me with shameful marks/scars that I have to hide at work). I pull my hair out. I scratch my shoulders & neck until I draw blood. I tell myself I am fat, ugly & unworthy of love in any form. I convince myself that everything would be better if I wasn't around.

"You're just a burden. You have so many problems,

nobody can keep up and nobody can be bothered, just fuck off.

Just go. Your mum will cry for a while but she'll get over it."

I haven't been happy for a long time. Saying that out loud or typing it on to a screen is actually difficult because it implies my life has had no happiness. I am surrounded by love; my friends do their best (sometimes... most of the time) to make sure I'm okay. My girlfriend is so attentive. My family support me as best they know how. I have a lot of happiness in my life... But I haven't been happy for a long time, and that is the problem. My brain just isn't wired properly, but I am trying to balance that out as I mentioned already. Hey, listen, you know what? I'm going to be honest with you - I'm drunk as I type this. I've had two ciders but fuck me. Anyway, sorry.

There is a side of me that you do not see because I do not want you to see it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be aware.

I realise now, now that I'm struggling so much, that I have been wrong in acting okay. I'm not okay, not even close. But I'm trying to be.