Things Pub Customers Do That Boil Bar Staff's Piss.

In an increasingly ugly world, the pub often seems like just the place to go to relax & unwind... But what happens when you're in the hospitality industry & the pub is WORK?!

Recent research has revealed that 35% of hospitality professionals (from a survey of 1,200 hospitality staff members) are suffering from mental health issues, with almost half of these workers highlighting their job as a 'key contributor' to this. As society slowly creeps forward in terms of allowing its citizens basic human rights and such, bars have remained in the shadows, their inhabitants stuck in a drunken mindset that only we Staff can fight and destroy!

This is something I'll definitely cover in more depth at a later date, but for now here are some things that I think anyone working in a pub will agree are Infuriating Customer Offences!

1.  Saying "I know the manager." is an easy way of letting the bar staff know that you're a massive cunt. We also know the manager; they hired and trained us to do this job so whatever it is that you don't like about whatever is going on, the manager probably agrees with us 100%. But by all means tell us you know them just to be sure we know you're a cunt. For extra points, get their name wrong.

2. Waving money over the bar to get our attention. I'm not sure if this practice originates in low-budget films portraying strip clubs, but it's a tradition that I believe we as the Class of 2018 need to bring to a definitive end. The only time that it will ever be acceptable to wave money at bar staff is if that money is a bribe for attention &, upon receiving that attention, their pocket. Otherwise it's just plain RUDE & will almost certainly get you placed last in line every single time,

3. Clicking your fingers / whistling at us. We are not dogs. Most of us work like dogs. Most of us like dogs. But we are not dogs. Treating us as such will result in you panting like a dog after a very, very long wait for your pint. If you ever get served, that is.

4. Fucking up your order then blaming us. Hey, mistakes happen! Nobody is perfect, especially not The Customer. One of my biggest pet hates is when a customer accidentally orders the wrong drink & rather than say "I ordered the wrong drink", they say "you gave me the wrong drink" - making the situation a result of our incompetency. When a customer claims that the bar staff fucked an order up, the manager will view this as poor customer service from the individual and it will be marked in a wastage book. When a customer is honest, there's a very high chance that the drink will be replaced for free with no staff being held accountable.

5. Shouting an order at us while we're blatantly busy. Whether we're serving someone else, putting glasses away or even just checking our phones, it's never polite to shout your order at someone before they've signified they're ready to receive it. "TWO JOHN SMITHS, HEN!!!" to the back of my head while I'm clearly in the middle of another task will not secure your order.

6. Trying to get table service in a pub that clearly does not offer such. Stop being an entitled, lazy bastard and get up to the bar like everybody else in the gaff. You are not special.

7. Shouting "Alan is next!" as we begin to pour a drink for someone else. If Alan is next, he'll be served next. Does Alan know how to wait like a big boy? No? Then get him the fuck out, this is an over 18s premises.

8. Putting money on the bar instead of in our hands. For some unknown reason, they always seem to land it right in a puddle of drink. My own personal solution to this is to give their change in as much shrapnel as I possibly can, then lay it all down in a cheeky splash-puddle of whatever I just served them.

9. Ordering one drink at a time, and leaving Guinness until last! There just HAS to be a special place in hell for the goblins guilty of this - the ones who nod their head as they say "and a Carlsberg" as though that's definitely the last one, but then open their shiteating mouths to add another order just as the queue reaches critical levels. Just give us the entire list, fuckface, if we need reminding, we'll ask!

10. Getting our attention and then turning away to find out what everyone wants. The people guilty of committing this offence always seem to look really impatient, as though they've been waiting on getting your attention all night, yet the sillyborn bastards just never seem to have the faintest idea what any of their companions drink. If you don't know, keep a list.

11. Customers who say "Same again." or even worse, just wave their hands over empty glasses. This presumptuous manoeuvre can be pulled off by a select few; usually the old coffin-dodgers who grace the taps seven days of the week & have insisted on pouring their pints into the same branded glass-from-home every 30 minutes of your shift since you took the job, the people who haven't moved seats or changed drinks all night and the regular customers who we have come to know and tolerate, those few we excuse, but when Mr. Who Are You and his group of Stranger Dangers are up for their refills, this is not the order we want to hear.

12. Staring at everything we have on selection, then asking for something that isn't there. After almost a decade in the industry, I feel very confident when I state that the majority, if not all, of bars operate on a Say What You See system. They want to make you aware of their stock so that you spend your money on it. If you study the bar for a mainstream drink and can't find a single trace of it, the chances of us having a secret keg available only to customers who request it by name are super fucking slim.

13. Ordering a drink then fucking off to the toilet before paying. This is horrendous for a few reasons. It's horrendous because you are quite literally saying that the time you spend taking a piss or shit is more valuable than the time of anyone else in this building; my time, the people waiting to be served, the staff who need me to be ready for whatever needs done... It's horrendous because when you do eventually resurface to pay, I'm forced to take money from your dirty, piss-soaked hands, and it's horrendous because you KNOW how rude you're being. Where else in the world would that behaviour fly? You don't get to the checkout in Tesco then run for a quick piss. You hold it fucking in, or you go to the toilet first.

14. Rip up beer mats / betting slips & leaving the mess in a soggy pile. This is just gross. I shouldn't have to explain.

15. "Just one more?" at last orders. Maybe it can be argued that I'm just a naturally violent person, but people who try to barter with me after Last Orders are at serious risk of becoming victims of an impulse crime. Once you hear the bell, you make your last order. After that, time to go, motherfuckers! Bar staff want to get home from work, not stage a lock in so that you and your cronies can reminisce about The Good Old Days before your lives fell to shit & the kids were born.

16. Slurring "I used to work in a bar!" as though we are a team. We are not a team. In this trade, it is always Us vs. Them and right now you are Them. "I'm so sorry, I work in a bar too" is actually borderline offensive when it's closing time and you're not out the door. Your work experience means nothing to me when you're on that side of the bar, so either let your actions speak or stay silent.

17. The "I've been drinking here for 27 years..." speech, particularly when being used as an argument when you cut them off. Being an alcoholic does not exempt you from the Licensing Laws, Jimmy, & your custom is appreciated but not crucial to business to remain polite to the staff and maybe you'll get to drink here for a few more.

There are undoubtedly several more that should be on my list but right now I feel I've covered the Main No-No's. Is there something that twists your tits that I've missed from my list? Let me know in the comments and I'll include it in #2!