Uh, I'm Still Around, Sort Of...

When I first set this account (with Twitter) up, I planned to use it as an escape on the bad days. It was meant to be a project to distract me, take my mind off of things. Something therapeutic that was meeting my every day interests half way. Started off fantastic, eh? Posted a few bits and bobs, got crafty with some pictures... I do enjoy that stuff, but when I'm on a bad day I don't enjoy anything... Because I'm not me.

I don't think I've ever said it out loud (although fuck only knows what I've said really, the amount of medication I'm on) but sometimes, most of the time, I feel as though I'm two people. Not two different people, but two Jade's. See, that's the thing when they ask you if you hear voices or if you see people... I'm not hearing or seeing anything unfamiliar; I hear my own voice and I see my own face, but the attitude changes massively & the tone can drop to unimaginable depths. When I'm on a bad day, I'm not nice to myself in the slightest. I tell myself horrible things & conjure terrible ideas that sometimes I'm weak enough to go through with. These ideas range from hurting myself, cutting my hair, breaking things, messaging people, ending my life, hurting others, anything really... Sometimes I'm stable enough to pull myself back, other times I'm naked on the floor, cutting my hair with the kitchen scissors & biting at the flesh on my "fat, ugly arms". Other Jade is a bully. It's important that I remind myself of that. Often.

If I could talk myself out of it I would.

I'm embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be. I speak openly about mental health and encourage others to do the same, but there's no denying the part of me ashamed of feeling the way that I do as regularly and as intensely. Why am I like this? Why do my friends think I'm fine? I mean, if it was bad enough they'd help, right? They tell me I'm fine - are they reassuring me because it's the truth, or because they don't want to unsettle me further? Am I paranoid or is the world really a bad, bad place? I digress... As you can see, my head has been a bit all over the place, so I apologise for the lack of posting.

I haven't been good.

I'm doing better though, I think.

We'll see.

Jade. x